Rainbow Bear

Her Side:

On September 16th, we found out we were officially expecting, again. The emotions that followed were so overwhelming it was frightening. When I told Andy the test was positive I broke down in tears. Mostly they were tears of pure joy and excitement but they were also tears of terrifying unknowns, what-ifs, worst possible scenarios. This is our first pregnancy after our miscarriage. And I say "ours" because though my body endured everything it still affects my entire family.

I would like to assume everyone knows what a rainbow baby is but on the off chance you don't it's a baby born after a miscarriage or still-birth or a baby that died shortly after being born. While we had a blighted ovum miscarriage it still counts because we lost the pregnancy; we lost the hope and dream of having another child. It was a very traumatic event that I hope to never go through again. Because of this traumatic experience I have been paying even more close attention to my body and everything that is happening and changing. Let me tell you, this rainbow blessing is proving to us it will be worth everything I go through. 

This pregnancy has, by far, been the worst experience I have ever had compared to the 4 successful ones. It has been testing my confidence as a person, wife, and mother. At first I just thought it was a rough go-around of morning sickness but when it started happening upwards of 5 times before lunch and waking me up in the middle of the night I knew something else was happening. The concerns branched over to Andy. And when he starts to worry about mine or the kid's health he researches. Its one of the things that he is very good at. After his research and my own we both came to the conclusion that I probably had a mild form of hyperemesis gravidarum. Its the technical term for extreme morning sickness in pregnancy. When the nausea started getting to the point of me not being able to keep anything down, including water, I called the doctor. They provided me a list of things to try and see if it would hopefully ease a lot of what I was feeling. Andy, being the amazing partner that he is, went to the store after he got off work and stocked up on everything I needed. So far, the B-6 and anti-nausea meds are the only thing staying in my system. 

Its tough. For about a week or so I have been unable to do anything but the bare necessities which include taking care of my children enough they at least get dressed and have food to eat and, for Petey's sake, gets a clean diaper. Enough to get Amie on the bus and off the bus. And, usually, enough to get Nella to preschool and back. But today I had to call her teachers to tell them she wasn't coming because I didn't feel safe driving the kids anywhere. My energy has completely disappeared. And I know that's normal in a pregnancy, especially one with older kids involved, but this is extreme. I am weak from the lack of nutrients. I get shakes and light headed because of my low blood pressure. All I can do is lay on the couch. And even then its a challenge because the little ones want to snuggle with me but I can't handle motion at the moment without having to run to the bathroom. I can't handle their little elbows and knees digging in to my abdomen. I can't handle the physical touch. All I desire is something extremely cold in my system, sleep, and stillness. The tv has been on so much more than I would ever like to admit but its the only thing I can do to entertain the kids with little interaction. I had to cancel going to Amie's very first school party. It was heart breaking. Ever since I can remember I wanted to have kids and be a very involved mom. I signed up to help with every party and to be as involved as I can with 4 small kids. But I failed. I can't make dinner because I can't handle the sight of food let alone the smell. I can't stand for very long without the feeling of falling over. 

My husband. He has picked up the slack where I have failed. He makes dinner when he gets home from work. He takes care of the kids. He takes them everywhere they need to be while I just lay in bed. He has to inch his way in to bed so I don't get sick. And even then the chances of me actually staying in bed are slim since I wake up needing to be sick. And then I lay on the couch to be close to the bathroom.

I know I am not the only who has ever gone through this. I know there are women who have gone through worse. I've reached out to people for advice and just for encouragement because I know they understand what I am going through. 

Rainbow Bear, 
You are making this pregnancy experience one of the toughest for me but you are also making it a constant reminder of what a miracle you are and that every hug of the toilet is worth what I will gain in the end. If you decide to let up I WILL NOT complain. But, if you decide to make this an entire pregnancy thing I will complain but constantly tell myself I get YOU in the end. 

James 1:2
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,