It's when your almost 3 year old son can snap and throw a tantrum to trump tantrums. When you have to physically drag him across the parking lot or the library while he screams. When you have to physically hold him in the shopping cart and continue shopping while he screams at the top of his lungs and kicks and flails.
When your kids are yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" from the back of the car and you yell, "That's enough! Mommy is no longer available!" and you turn up the radio to drown them out. When your 5 year old is still yelling for your attention and you ask, "Are you bleeding?" "No." "Is something broken?" "No." "Are you hurting?" "No." "Then don't talk to me right now."
Being followed by your oldest who is diligently reminding your she NEEDS to have her crayons with her when its time to leave but is requiring you to unlock the room her art supplies are in. Or who is some how always starving and needs a snack every hour on the hour.
Constantly telling your almost 4 year old to just sit down and put her shoes on but gets easily distracted by something else or someone else (usually her baby brother).
Chasing your 18 month old around the house to put his jacket on or get his shoes on him or change his diaper or just simply get him dressed.
Fighting with your almost 3 year old about what jacket he should wear and choosing not to have that battle with him.
Yelling at your kids who managed to unlock the back door and head outside without telling you their plans and you happen to walk in to the kitchen at the exact right time to catch them in the act. Having to explain to them that they never go outside without asking for permission, first.
Not having the desire or energy to do the dishes, change out the day old laundry in the washer or just pick up around the house. Wanting to just lay down for a while from the exhaustion and overwhelming feeling that lingers around.
Because you are at your wits end and just can't take the noise, the whining, the screaming, disobedience, disrespect and the complaining anymore. Because you feel like such a failure of a mom having to do this, more often than not, and wish with every part of your being you could be a better mom than this and always and continuously show that love and affection you are suppose to show your children. But you can't because you're drained and throwing in the white flag. Feeling like you failed your children because of how they treat you with lack of respect. Because the beast inside is winning.
But then you see your 18 month old sitting on the couch, by himself, playing with a car and smiling when he sees you. You see your girls sitting together, sharing a blanket, watching YouTube videos together. You watch your oldest son build a long train track and see the happiness of accomplishment in his face. They are giving you that space you so desperately needed and you can't help but smile at them and thank the good Lord that He allowed you to have these wonderful beings.
It may not always seem or feel like it's worth it but in more ways than one you know it was and it is. It's what God had planned for you. He made you for this. You may not always be strong enough to face the day and the responsibilities but God has your back. When He gives you more than you can handle, He will be there to catch you when you fall. When we are complaining and constantly grumbling, He's there to listen. Just as we are to our children.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
His Side: Death of a Dream
Every story has two sides. When Andrea and I started this blog it was suppose to show both of our sides to our life together while raising are close in age children. Up until now, though, I have very few posts and there has been very little overlap between Andrea's posts and mine. This past weekend's events have brought us to a point that we both felt the need to write about it.
First off a warning: More than likely you aren't reading this without at least knowing the basic premise of what happened. If a basic idea is all you want you may be better off reading only Andrea's side of things in her In Sickness and In Health post. I may get a little more detailed about what transpired because that is how my mind works.
Today I went into work for the first time since last Thursday, June 11th, 2015. In my drawer was a page from my page-a-day calendar. It was from May 6th, it had a huge star drawn on it with 01-07-16 written on it. May 6th was the day Andrea had done a pregnancy test over the phone with my while at work. The test came back positive which caused me to hang up the office phone and promptly take a break and call her on my cell phone. Andrea and I had talked about being done with children at #4, Peter. We really had no thoughts of continuing with more children. Well, that is we hadn't mutually had thoughts about it. She admitted to now wanting more, but not until even Peter was in school. Yet here we were finding out another was on the way and not fully knowing how the other was going to take the news. We quickly found that though we both didn't start the day wanting a 5th child that emotion had quickly vanished and we were ecstatic.
We didn't know how we wanted to share the information of this new child because we were tired of what felt like judgement from others even when we tried to explain that God was fully in control not us. So this time we were going to take it slow telling people, because we were just getting use to the idea of having 5 and didn't feel like fielding the typical "you know what causes that don't you?" questions. It had been hard holding in the excitement though and we began telling family. We slowly started telling people trying to tell people in person if we could. With only two people left in our immediate families to tell things started concerning Andrea.
It was my two sisters who hadn't heard the news but we were headed to Omaha, NE, on June 5th for my Grandma's 80th birthday. My sisters would be there and I would be able to tell them the exciting news in person. A week prior to the trip Andrea told me she was spotting blood. This was new news she was once again telling me over the phone while at work. I brushed it off as even she told me in a way that made me feel it wasn't a big deal. She and I even talked about the bleeding she had in previous pregnancies. As the days went on through the week she kept updating me stating the bleeding was a little more than she recalled from the previous pregnancies. As I had never seen comparison's I only could go off what she said and she still didn't seem too worried... or at least I didn't think she did. As the week was winding down for the trip she started expressing some concern so we did research together online to see if it was possible that this was normal. Some research showed it could be normal so we went on with life as usual.
The trip came and now we were in Nebraska and I had just told my sisters, and then very promptly told my extended family that was there as well. On our way to the hotel from dinner that Friday Andrea didn't seem to happy. When pressed as to what was wrong she admitted she was more concerned than originally let on. I told her to call the mid-wives we had decided to use this time for the pregnancy and had an ultrasound scheduled with the following Friday. The mid-wife didn't seem to share a lot of concern on the phone, but said they could get her in promptly when we returned to town. Andrea once again pushed back her emotions and just chalked it up as being over concerned and since we both wanted me there without messing up my schedule at work she just left her original appointment for the Ultra Sound.
Friday June 12th the appointment of the ultrasound arrived. The mid-wife promptly explained that what she saw didn't show a healthy 9-10 week pregnancy. She explained the two options were we only were 5 week pregnant or we possibly had a Blighted Ovum pregnancy miscarriage. A Blighted Ovum, she went on to describe, is when only the sack is produced without a child ever being developed. Having known the exact date of conception we knew this ruled out the option of it being a 5 week pregnancy. So the mid-wife began to explain the details of what to expect the next few days as Andrea's body completed the miscarriage.
That night we had my parents watch our children as we grieved. We didn't grieve the death of our child. We couldn't grieve the death of child because there wasn't one. What we had to do was grieve the death of a dream. The dream of a 5th child, a child that never existed but for a month we were sure it did and Andrea had to endure the pregnancy of. Now this pregnancy that only formed a sack was going to put Andrea's body through even more of a ringer than the full term pregnancies had.
That night quickly went from grieving to managing Andrea's health. With a quick run to the bathroom she explained to me that she had a gush of blood. Since she was to be pregnant there was no need for there to be feminine products in the house, but we did have a couple left from her previous labor that was sent home from the hospital. So now it was my job to head to Walgreen's to supply the house with some. When I got home she already was in some pain, but besides a little spotting similar to what she had previously there was no more bleeding that night. The next morning she told me the bleeding had seized. She even went to work. Everything seemed to have gone back to normal and we were feeling blessed that the miscarriage, as unfortunate as it was, had gone smoothly. Turns out we were getting too comfortable too soon.
Early in the afternoon Andrea called and said she was headed home because the bleeding had started again and was in pain. She got home and rested on the chair as I took care of the family and got dinner for the kids. Andrea finally headed to bed. Around 7:10pm I asked Andrea if she would be up to seeing the children to bed, she said she would but she had just had another gush of blood in the toilet. When I went to check on her she was still sitting on the toilet and I saw she was emotionally not doing well. She explained that she couldn't imagine if she had to flush a child down the toilet and thought she may have to encounter that if the mid-wife was incorrect about the fact there wasn't a baby. After we talked it out I completed putting the children down alone explaining that "mommy was sick and hurting" so the kid's wouldn't be getting good night kisses. I went back to Andrea and entered the restroom where I saw her holding something bloody in her hands. I quickly told her to stop as it would only lead to more of an emotional break down. At this point she explained that she was instructed to inspect what was coming out to confirm that everything was exiting her body safely. Feeling she had it under control I went about other business checking back on her. She was still on the toilet with constant sounds as though she was urinating, but she stated that was just blood flowing. I got her a stool to use along with a bowl in case she threw up at her request along with a cup of water. She stated there wasn't much I could do so I went down stairs to watch television.
Andrea and I kept texting and I would pause my television watching to go up and visually check on her. She had made it back to bed and she kept assuring me that she was fine and not to feel guilty for being down stairs. Finally I went upstairs to grab a snack and I heard her back in the bathroom. Just as I was getting a drink of milk she calmly, but loudly, said my name. As I came around the corner I asked what she needed. She was holding the bathroom door jam with one hand with her other extended out. Without stopping I set the milk on the ground as I headed towards her asking again what she needed. She still didn't respond as I grabbed her hand. Again asking what she wanted she didn't acknowledge me then slowly I felt her started going down. Still holding her hand I wrapped my other arm around her and lead her down to the ground. I was asking if she was ok and about the time she reached the ground her eyes rolled back into her head. I started to lay her head down when she opened her eyes. She looked around and asked what happened. I explained it to her and she started to get up but couldn't so I laid her back down and we talked it out as she laid there. She asked if it was normal. I had recalled that when doing research online another person stated they either had fainted or felt they would faint. Andrea then felt good enough to get up and go to bed. I escorted her and I came down stairs to turn off the TV as I knew I now needed to be by her. I got on the computer to see if fainting was to be expected.
I made my way back to Andrea and she and I couldn't figure out how to proceed. So we decided to get the mid-wife's opinion. I called her around 10pm. She stated we should go to the ER and I could just drive her there. So I called Andrea's mom and asked if she could come over so I could take Andrea to the ER. I began getting a bag ready for the ER and getting stuff together. I had requested Andrea not get up again and even put a towel under her in bed in case she got unther "gush" of blood. I went outside to put the stuff in the van and pull it into the driveway so that her mom would know where to park. When I got back inside Andrea was in the restroom. I told her I wish she had stayed in bed, but she explained she felt more coming and couldn't lay there and let it happen. So I asked that she now not get back up. I went back outside to look at the GPS and figure out which hospital was better to go to. When I got back inside Andrea was sitting on top of the toilet seat. She said she felt faint. I explained again that I wish she would stop getting up since she obviously had to put the toilet seat down and pull up her pants. I also requested that she lean forward in case she fainted again she would slouch forward instead of falling back wards and hit the back of her head. I left again remember to get the front light turned on for her mom. I came back and sat down with Andrea. She leaned her head back on to my shoulder and then I saw the eyes roll again. I started saying her name to no response. I kept saying her name and she said "what?" but without opening her eyes. I asked if she knew what day it was. She replied with a faint "no" I asked how she felt but no response again. Right about this time I heard the front door and her mom came to the restroom. I was no longer alone.
I don't know if it was that I no longer felt I needed to be in charge or if it was the fact that I couldn't get Andrea to respond to me at all, but I lost it. I began to cry uncontrollably as I kept patting Andrea on the face and asking her for a response and not getting one. Andrea's mom was calling 9-1-1. Then her dad, who I didn't know had come, entered the restroom. He started trying to calm me down while asking where the wash clothes were. I couldn't really focus on the question but finally stated he would be better to grab a towel off the ground used to dry the kids earlier from washing hands. He wet it and put it on Andrea. She came back through shortly after. We were able to get her back to responding and holding a conversation. The paramedics came in and started to treat her. At this point she took a hospital ride to Progress West and I was shortly behind in our van.
I got to the hospital with Andrea already being seen by the RN. No information was given to us and we began a long wait. Besides a couple of times with them coming in there wasn't a lot of info for the first hour after 11pm. Then the doctor came in, and still without giving much info began to pull things out of Andrea. Afterwards he explained they were blood clots but still didn't give us much of an indication on what that meant for her and the rest of the evening. At around 1:30-2am we went to get an ultrasound done. They stated the sack was still there so she wasn't complete with the miscarriage. I sat in a chair to the side of the room, with again very little contact with anyone until around 5 am. Around 5am Andrea had to use the restroom. When the nurse helped her in the restroom I heard Andrea state she was having issues reaching the toilet paper. The nurse said she would be right there to help At this point I heard a familiar sound of someone trying to get Andrea's attention with no response, but this time it wasn't me it was the nurse. I jumped up and looked in the restroom where Andrea was slumped forward. The nurse turned to me and said "get help". I ran out of the ER room and told the first person in scrubs I saw "the nurse asked me to grab help quickly. She is passed out." Scrub wearing people filed quickly in including the Dr. They got Andrea responsive again and got her to the bed. At this point I felt this was the best thing, because they had seemed to put Andrea on the lowest priority up until this point. At this point things began to happen.
They called Andrea's OB and the OB stated Andrea would need a D&C. They also told us that she made need a blood transfusion. Another hour later and Andrea was getting ready for the D&C as the blood had just arrived. I was instructed that she would be under general anesthesia and could wait in the waiting room. This is the point where you will see that Andrea is more selfless than selfish. She asked the nurses where I would be able to sleep. She was more worried about me getting sleep at this point. I told her I would figure it out don't worry.
I waited in the waiting room and took a 20 min nap on the couch. A couple minutes later the nurse came out and said everything was smooth and the Dr would be out soon to talk to me. The OB Dr. came out and explained that it was smooth and once again confirmed there never was a baby and also stated there was nothing that caused this nor was there anything we could have done to prevent this from happening.
I visited Andrea and verified with her what I had been told then went to the room she would be admitted to and waited for her to arrive. I was told I could order some breakfast. Andrea was wheeled in about 30 minutes later. She was very much out of it but able to communicate with me. She once again told me she was glad I was eating because she was worried about me. That's right this woman that had lost so much blood she had to have a blood transfusion after having collapsed in my arms twice and here she was telling me that she was worried about me.
She is such a caring woman. I love her and can't wait until she is back on her feet. Now that we are home and until this caring woman can get going again I will do what it takes to make sure she can rest. I also appreciate the help of all our friends and family that have helped support me as I try and take care of Andrea, the children, and the house.
First off a warning: More than likely you aren't reading this without at least knowing the basic premise of what happened. If a basic idea is all you want you may be better off reading only Andrea's side of things in her In Sickness and In Health post. I may get a little more detailed about what transpired because that is how my mind works.
Today I went into work for the first time since last Thursday, June 11th, 2015. In my drawer was a page from my page-a-day calendar. It was from May 6th, it had a huge star drawn on it with 01-07-16 written on it. May 6th was the day Andrea had done a pregnancy test over the phone with my while at work. The test came back positive which caused me to hang up the office phone and promptly take a break and call her on my cell phone. Andrea and I had talked about being done with children at #4, Peter. We really had no thoughts of continuing with more children. Well, that is we hadn't mutually had thoughts about it. She admitted to now wanting more, but not until even Peter was in school. Yet here we were finding out another was on the way and not fully knowing how the other was going to take the news. We quickly found that though we both didn't start the day wanting a 5th child that emotion had quickly vanished and we were ecstatic.
We didn't know how we wanted to share the information of this new child because we were tired of what felt like judgement from others even when we tried to explain that God was fully in control not us. So this time we were going to take it slow telling people, because we were just getting use to the idea of having 5 and didn't feel like fielding the typical "you know what causes that don't you?" questions. It had been hard holding in the excitement though and we began telling family. We slowly started telling people trying to tell people in person if we could. With only two people left in our immediate families to tell things started concerning Andrea.
It was my two sisters who hadn't heard the news but we were headed to Omaha, NE, on June 5th for my Grandma's 80th birthday. My sisters would be there and I would be able to tell them the exciting news in person. A week prior to the trip Andrea told me she was spotting blood. This was new news she was once again telling me over the phone while at work. I brushed it off as even she told me in a way that made me feel it wasn't a big deal. She and I even talked about the bleeding she had in previous pregnancies. As the days went on through the week she kept updating me stating the bleeding was a little more than she recalled from the previous pregnancies. As I had never seen comparison's I only could go off what she said and she still didn't seem too worried... or at least I didn't think she did. As the week was winding down for the trip she started expressing some concern so we did research together online to see if it was possible that this was normal. Some research showed it could be normal so we went on with life as usual.
The trip came and now we were in Nebraska and I had just told my sisters, and then very promptly told my extended family that was there as well. On our way to the hotel from dinner that Friday Andrea didn't seem to happy. When pressed as to what was wrong she admitted she was more concerned than originally let on. I told her to call the mid-wives we had decided to use this time for the pregnancy and had an ultrasound scheduled with the following Friday. The mid-wife didn't seem to share a lot of concern on the phone, but said they could get her in promptly when we returned to town. Andrea once again pushed back her emotions and just chalked it up as being over concerned and since we both wanted me there without messing up my schedule at work she just left her original appointment for the Ultra Sound.
Friday June 12th the appointment of the ultrasound arrived. The mid-wife promptly explained that what she saw didn't show a healthy 9-10 week pregnancy. She explained the two options were we only were 5 week pregnant or we possibly had a Blighted Ovum pregnancy miscarriage. A Blighted Ovum, she went on to describe, is when only the sack is produced without a child ever being developed. Having known the exact date of conception we knew this ruled out the option of it being a 5 week pregnancy. So the mid-wife began to explain the details of what to expect the next few days as Andrea's body completed the miscarriage.
That night we had my parents watch our children as we grieved. We didn't grieve the death of our child. We couldn't grieve the death of child because there wasn't one. What we had to do was grieve the death of a dream. The dream of a 5th child, a child that never existed but for a month we were sure it did and Andrea had to endure the pregnancy of. Now this pregnancy that only formed a sack was going to put Andrea's body through even more of a ringer than the full term pregnancies had.
That night quickly went from grieving to managing Andrea's health. With a quick run to the bathroom she explained to me that she had a gush of blood. Since she was to be pregnant there was no need for there to be feminine products in the house, but we did have a couple left from her previous labor that was sent home from the hospital. So now it was my job to head to Walgreen's to supply the house with some. When I got home she already was in some pain, but besides a little spotting similar to what she had previously there was no more bleeding that night. The next morning she told me the bleeding had seized. She even went to work. Everything seemed to have gone back to normal and we were feeling blessed that the miscarriage, as unfortunate as it was, had gone smoothly. Turns out we were getting too comfortable too soon.
Early in the afternoon Andrea called and said she was headed home because the bleeding had started again and was in pain. She got home and rested on the chair as I took care of the family and got dinner for the kids. Andrea finally headed to bed. Around 7:10pm I asked Andrea if she would be up to seeing the children to bed, she said she would but she had just had another gush of blood in the toilet. When I went to check on her she was still sitting on the toilet and I saw she was emotionally not doing well. She explained that she couldn't imagine if she had to flush a child down the toilet and thought she may have to encounter that if the mid-wife was incorrect about the fact there wasn't a baby. After we talked it out I completed putting the children down alone explaining that "mommy was sick and hurting" so the kid's wouldn't be getting good night kisses. I went back to Andrea and entered the restroom where I saw her holding something bloody in her hands. I quickly told her to stop as it would only lead to more of an emotional break down. At this point she explained that she was instructed to inspect what was coming out to confirm that everything was exiting her body safely. Feeling she had it under control I went about other business checking back on her. She was still on the toilet with constant sounds as though she was urinating, but she stated that was just blood flowing. I got her a stool to use along with a bowl in case she threw up at her request along with a cup of water. She stated there wasn't much I could do so I went down stairs to watch television.
Andrea and I kept texting and I would pause my television watching to go up and visually check on her. She had made it back to bed and she kept assuring me that she was fine and not to feel guilty for being down stairs. Finally I went upstairs to grab a snack and I heard her back in the bathroom. Just as I was getting a drink of milk she calmly, but loudly, said my name. As I came around the corner I asked what she needed. She was holding the bathroom door jam with one hand with her other extended out. Without stopping I set the milk on the ground as I headed towards her asking again what she needed. She still didn't respond as I grabbed her hand. Again asking what she wanted she didn't acknowledge me then slowly I felt her started going down. Still holding her hand I wrapped my other arm around her and lead her down to the ground. I was asking if she was ok and about the time she reached the ground her eyes rolled back into her head. I started to lay her head down when she opened her eyes. She looked around and asked what happened. I explained it to her and she started to get up but couldn't so I laid her back down and we talked it out as she laid there. She asked if it was normal. I had recalled that when doing research online another person stated they either had fainted or felt they would faint. Andrea then felt good enough to get up and go to bed. I escorted her and I came down stairs to turn off the TV as I knew I now needed to be by her. I got on the computer to see if fainting was to be expected.
I made my way back to Andrea and she and I couldn't figure out how to proceed. So we decided to get the mid-wife's opinion. I called her around 10pm. She stated we should go to the ER and I could just drive her there. So I called Andrea's mom and asked if she could come over so I could take Andrea to the ER. I began getting a bag ready for the ER and getting stuff together. I had requested Andrea not get up again and even put a towel under her in bed in case she got unther "gush" of blood. I went outside to put the stuff in the van and pull it into the driveway so that her mom would know where to park. When I got back inside Andrea was in the restroom. I told her I wish she had stayed in bed, but she explained she felt more coming and couldn't lay there and let it happen. So I asked that she now not get back up. I went back outside to look at the GPS and figure out which hospital was better to go to. When I got back inside Andrea was sitting on top of the toilet seat. She said she felt faint. I explained again that I wish she would stop getting up since she obviously had to put the toilet seat down and pull up her pants. I also requested that she lean forward in case she fainted again she would slouch forward instead of falling back wards and hit the back of her head. I left again remember to get the front light turned on for her mom. I came back and sat down with Andrea. She leaned her head back on to my shoulder and then I saw the eyes roll again. I started saying her name to no response. I kept saying her name and she said "what?" but without opening her eyes. I asked if she knew what day it was. She replied with a faint "no" I asked how she felt but no response again. Right about this time I heard the front door and her mom came to the restroom. I was no longer alone.
I don't know if it was that I no longer felt I needed to be in charge or if it was the fact that I couldn't get Andrea to respond to me at all, but I lost it. I began to cry uncontrollably as I kept patting Andrea on the face and asking her for a response and not getting one. Andrea's mom was calling 9-1-1. Then her dad, who I didn't know had come, entered the restroom. He started trying to calm me down while asking where the wash clothes were. I couldn't really focus on the question but finally stated he would be better to grab a towel off the ground used to dry the kids earlier from washing hands. He wet it and put it on Andrea. She came back through shortly after. We were able to get her back to responding and holding a conversation. The paramedics came in and started to treat her. At this point she took a hospital ride to Progress West and I was shortly behind in our van.
I got to the hospital with Andrea already being seen by the RN. No information was given to us and we began a long wait. Besides a couple of times with them coming in there wasn't a lot of info for the first hour after 11pm. Then the doctor came in, and still without giving much info began to pull things out of Andrea. Afterwards he explained they were blood clots but still didn't give us much of an indication on what that meant for her and the rest of the evening. At around 1:30-2am we went to get an ultrasound done. They stated the sack was still there so she wasn't complete with the miscarriage. I sat in a chair to the side of the room, with again very little contact with anyone until around 5 am. Around 5am Andrea had to use the restroom. When the nurse helped her in the restroom I heard Andrea state she was having issues reaching the toilet paper. The nurse said she would be right there to help At this point I heard a familiar sound of someone trying to get Andrea's attention with no response, but this time it wasn't me it was the nurse. I jumped up and looked in the restroom where Andrea was slumped forward. The nurse turned to me and said "get help". I ran out of the ER room and told the first person in scrubs I saw "the nurse asked me to grab help quickly. She is passed out." Scrub wearing people filed quickly in including the Dr. They got Andrea responsive again and got her to the bed. At this point I felt this was the best thing, because they had seemed to put Andrea on the lowest priority up until this point. At this point things began to happen.
They called Andrea's OB and the OB stated Andrea would need a D&C. They also told us that she made need a blood transfusion. Another hour later and Andrea was getting ready for the D&C as the blood had just arrived. I was instructed that she would be under general anesthesia and could wait in the waiting room. This is the point where you will see that Andrea is more selfless than selfish. She asked the nurses where I would be able to sleep. She was more worried about me getting sleep at this point. I told her I would figure it out don't worry.
I waited in the waiting room and took a 20 min nap on the couch. A couple minutes later the nurse came out and said everything was smooth and the Dr would be out soon to talk to me. The OB Dr. came out and explained that it was smooth and once again confirmed there never was a baby and also stated there was nothing that caused this nor was there anything we could have done to prevent this from happening.
I visited Andrea and verified with her what I had been told then went to the room she would be admitted to and waited for her to arrive. I was told I could order some breakfast. Andrea was wheeled in about 30 minutes later. She was very much out of it but able to communicate with me. She once again told me she was glad I was eating because she was worried about me. That's right this woman that had lost so much blood she had to have a blood transfusion after having collapsed in my arms twice and here she was telling me that she was worried about me.
She is such a caring woman. I love her and can't wait until she is back on her feet. Now that we are home and until this caring woman can get going again I will do what it takes to make sure she can rest. I also appreciate the help of all our friends and family that have helped support me as I try and take care of Andrea, the children, and the house.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
In Sickness and Health
When two people get married and choose to use traditional vows, part of those vows are "in sickness and in health." Five words that are often said but does any one ever really think it would be a literal term to live through? There are moments where one spouse or the other gets the flu bug or some other yucky virus that may put them down for a day or so, and with kids, that is a lot to handle. But what if something more serious happens? Let me tell you our story.
May 6, 2015 a pregnancy test confirmed that we are to anticipate baby #5 to join our family. Though this news was of the up-most surprise and shock to us we became excited and eager to welcome this small child to our crazy life and family. We decided to tell only close family and those who needed to know and just wait as long as possible to share with the world. Time went on and then the undesired happened. I started spotting. We took it lightly as I had spotted briefly in a pregnancy before but then the spotting turned in to a consistent though light habit. We had already scheduled our first appointment and u/s with a midwife and decided to wait it out until then. The news that was given to us was a low blow. Though I was suppose to be about 9. 5 weeks along everything was measuring at only 5/6 weeks. And there was no baby that they could detect. The midwife prepared us to expect a miscarriage to happen at any time. With the devastating news we called my husband's parents to watch the kids over night so we could take the proper time to grieve and prepare for the upcoming ordeal.
That night it started. I rushed to the bathroom and knew something was happening. Since this was our first time experiencing a miscarriage we didn't fully know what to expect besides what was told to us by the midwife and research we did online from first hand accounts. When the bleeding slowed and eventually stopped we assumed the worst was over and was ready to move on. I even went in to work the next day. While at work some spotting started up again and I rushed home to prepare for something to happen. That was around 2:30. Around 7:20, give or take, the process was starting all over again. I starting loosing a lot of blood, and at one point I thought I had passed the sac. After sitting on the toilet for about 2 hours I knew I needed to lay down and try to put nutrients in my body. After just a short while of laying down I had to go back to the bathroom.
After and I was finished, I got up and walked to the door. I knew something was wrong. By the grace and perfect timing of God, Andy had just come upstairs. I called to him and the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and laying on the bathroom floor with him looking down on me. I had passed out. A few minutes of laying on the floor I was able to stand up with assistance and make it to our bed. Andy called the emergency line at the midwife and was told to take me to the hospital. He arranged for babysitters and as we were waiting for them I had to rush to the bathroom again. As I was sitting on the toilet waiting for assistance to leave I had passed out again but Andy was there with me and held me while it happened. My parents had just arrived, called 911, and they were able to get me to regain consciousness. I was rushed by ambulance to the ER.
I was still consistently bleeding. The ER staff did some blood and took basic vitals which revealed that my blood pressure was low (average was 90/40something) and hemoglobin was low. They hooked me up to IV fluids and started their normal monitoring. After a few hours I was wheeled off to get an u/s that revealed and confirmed there was no baby and still a sac. I was officially diagnosed as having a blighted ovum. After a few more hours of monitoring and them calling my doctor I passed out in the bathroom. Things really sprung in to action after that. Shortly after the incident occurred we were told by the nurses and ER doctor that I was going to have a D and C performed and a blood transfusion due to the blood loss I experienced.
Early Sunday morning I was wheeled up to the OR and was prepared for the undesired operation. Operation was performed and transfusion given and I was admitted to a regular room for recovery and observation. Due to so much blood loss my body was having a difficult time keeping a steady and consistent level of a good BP and hemoglobin reading. We were told when I was brought in that even after loosing so much blood at home my hemoglobin still read at an 11 where the average, healthy reading is a 12. Due to that information the doctors assumed my body was having a difficult time maintaining a steady BP reading because I had an above average ready naturally of iron. Eventually my BP got up to an average of 104/54 (that's a rough estimate). I was still suffering severe headaches. The nurses and doctor said they were going to try me on a certain medicine and if that didn't help another transfusion may be necessary. By the amazing grace of God, the medicine worked, they diagnosed it as migraines and we were able to go home Monday evening.
Through all of this Andy has stuck by my side. From the moment of our initial u/s he grieved with me. The moment the miscarriage started he made sure I had everything I needed. The moment I passed out for the first time he was by my side and started taking action. He stayed with me through everything. Every exam, every blood draw, every IV poked in me, being in the waiting room during the operation, and sleeping on the famously uncomfortable hospital couches/bed. He mourned with me, worried with me, and got frustrated with me. He felt helpless and the need to do something. He struggled watching me be in so much pain. He struggled with helplessness.
Once we were home he sprang in to action. The first morning of being home he made sure all my needs were met even if that was just making sure I got the rest I needed while taking care of our 2 children that were at home. While we anticipated the arrival of our other 2 children he started the unending laundry that my amazing mother didn't get to (this woman....she did laundry, folded laundry, cleaned and took care of our boys while my sister kept our girls along with her 3 kids). He got my prescriptions from the pharmacy and was still by my side.
He has filled his quota of "in sickness and in health" and I am forever grateful for him. I don't know what I would have done or how I would have handled this experience if I didn't have this very specific man by my side.
I love you, Andy. Thank you for being my partner, care taker, and friend. You have shown love and grace in ways I never thought would be a part of our life together. You are amazing.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Cleaning
Cleaning the house. Being home all day one would think it should be a fairly quick and easy thing to do. A quick scrub of the toilet and tub. A quick sweep and mop of the floors. Pick up toys as you go and then run the vacuum. Unload the dishwasher while the kids are playing then put what dishes are dirty in the dishwasher. Fold and put away clothes as more is being washed and dried. Sounds FANTASTIC.
Today a quick scrub in the bathroom resulted in Gordon and Penelope getting a box and dumping all its contents out. Another mess to clean up.
Unloading the dishwasher resulted in Gordon and Penelope moving Gordon's bed, throwing all the bedding on the floor and hiding under the mattress.
Loading the dishwasher resulted in Gordon and Penelope taking all cushions off the couch in the basement.
I got the boxes put away and Gordie's bed put back together along with the couch.
I have laundry separated and on the 2nd load in the washer. I have a basket of towels over flowing that need to be folded and another basket of kids clothes. There are clothes upstairs that have been folded for over a week. The norm in our family is to have mildewy clothes being rewashed 4 times with extra fabric softener thrown in to hide the smell that lingers.
The toy area. You can't even see the floor. I will take time to organize and clean. But what's the point? The kids couldn't care less. But now that we have a near 10 month old cruising around its time to be on top of things. I can pick up toys through out the day but the children just go behind me and make me start all over.
Let's talk bedrooms. My precious 3 year old will help put clothes 'away' meaning she threw them in her room. So, now the girl's room is covered in clean and dirty clothes. I get the awesome task of deciding what is clean or dirty. The boy's room has shoes all over the floor because Gordie loves to play with shoes instead of sleep.
I wish it were easier to clean and keep up my house, but it isn't. Having 3, almost 4, toddlers running around the house makes it impossible. Andy keeps reminding me of our year...2032. That's the year Peter will turn 18. That's the year I can have a house that is clean and mostly organized. That's the year we can sleep.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Faithfulness
Her side:
Numbers 6:24-26 (NKJV)
"The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."
Aaron's blessing is truly a beautiful group of words. It is a beautiful reminder of God and all He is capable of doing.
A few weeks ago my family made plans to travel to Oklahoma to visit family we were suppose to visit over Christmas. But due to me getting very sick it didn't work out. We finally were able to make plans and make our visit. While we stopped in Mount Vernon, MO (about the half way mark) our van started showing issues that freaked us out. We were in a small town and did not know what to do. We were able to drive our van to an O'Reilly and have one of the workers hook the van up to a computer to see if we could identify the problem. It was determined it was a spark plug. No big deal. The worker gave us directions to each of the 3 auto shops in town. The first one we went to couldn't fit us in until late that evening due to another traveler having issues. So, we decided to trek over the the biggest auto shop in town for the better chance of getting the work done. We ended needing a new coil in the van. The blessing? The shop was ran by Christians and the gentleman who worked on our van did the work out in the parking lot for us and was extremely patient and kind. During this whole, stressful incident we cried out to God for wisdom and an easy, inexpensive fix. He answered. He was faithful and He protected us by sending us to an amazing shop with great people.
We were able to get our taxes done and submitted in January. We were excited to know that eventually we would be getting our once-a-year supplement. We had plans as to what we were going to use most of it for: debt. School debt and medical debt due to having babies. God had slightly other plans for us. While I was at work recently our OTHER van decided it had enough and wouldn't start. Thankfully I was all ready at work and did not have to deal with the stress of being stranded, especially with my client. Andy and his dad made the trek out to the house I work at and looked at the van to see if maybe they could easily find out what the problem was. The conclusion came to the fuel pump. We had the van towed and sent to the auto shop. As it turned out it WAS the fuel pump. We also were aware that the van needed at least one new tired. The same evening or possibly early the next morning of it being towed our bank account showed our tax return had been transferred to our account. Praise Jesus. Fuel pump and 2 new tires can be fixed and added to the van. God provided the money we needed at exactly the time we were desperately in need.
We have a few hospital bills. All mainly from having babies. Andy had called about one of the outstanding bills we had, which was over $3,000. In short, he was able to get a discount which ended up saving us $600 since we paid in full. Again, God was faithful and provided.
As Christians it should be obvious how amazing God is, how faithful God is, and know that God will provide when we need Him. But it isn't and we don't always know. We are fallen people in a fallen world. It is way too easy to forget that God is bigger than our problems and fears. But He sure does have a way to remind us. Not only did he remind us through these 2 incidents that happened recently, but He has reminded us in the past and He has reminded me the past 2 weeks in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship).
As I reflect on the goodness of God, one song keeps coming to mind:
Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Numbers 6:24-26 (NKJV)
"The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."
Aaron's blessing is truly a beautiful group of words. It is a beautiful reminder of God and all He is capable of doing.
A few weeks ago my family made plans to travel to Oklahoma to visit family we were suppose to visit over Christmas. But due to me getting very sick it didn't work out. We finally were able to make plans and make our visit. While we stopped in Mount Vernon, MO (about the half way mark) our van started showing issues that freaked us out. We were in a small town and did not know what to do. We were able to drive our van to an O'Reilly and have one of the workers hook the van up to a computer to see if we could identify the problem. It was determined it was a spark plug. No big deal. The worker gave us directions to each of the 3 auto shops in town. The first one we went to couldn't fit us in until late that evening due to another traveler having issues. So, we decided to trek over the the biggest auto shop in town for the better chance of getting the work done. We ended needing a new coil in the van. The blessing? The shop was ran by Christians and the gentleman who worked on our van did the work out in the parking lot for us and was extremely patient and kind. During this whole, stressful incident we cried out to God for wisdom and an easy, inexpensive fix. He answered. He was faithful and He protected us by sending us to an amazing shop with great people.
We were able to get our taxes done and submitted in January. We were excited to know that eventually we would be getting our once-a-year supplement. We had plans as to what we were going to use most of it for: debt. School debt and medical debt due to having babies. God had slightly other plans for us. While I was at work recently our OTHER van decided it had enough and wouldn't start. Thankfully I was all ready at work and did not have to deal with the stress of being stranded, especially with my client. Andy and his dad made the trek out to the house I work at and looked at the van to see if maybe they could easily find out what the problem was. The conclusion came to the fuel pump. We had the van towed and sent to the auto shop. As it turned out it WAS the fuel pump. We also were aware that the van needed at least one new tired. The same evening or possibly early the next morning of it being towed our bank account showed our tax return had been transferred to our account. Praise Jesus. Fuel pump and 2 new tires can be fixed and added to the van. God provided the money we needed at exactly the time we were desperately in need.
We have a few hospital bills. All mainly from having babies. Andy had called about one of the outstanding bills we had, which was over $3,000. In short, he was able to get a discount which ended up saving us $600 since we paid in full. Again, God was faithful and provided.
As Christians it should be obvious how amazing God is, how faithful God is, and know that God will provide when we need Him. But it isn't and we don't always know. We are fallen people in a fallen world. It is way too easy to forget that God is bigger than our problems and fears. But He sure does have a way to remind us. Not only did he remind us through these 2 incidents that happened recently, but He has reminded us in the past and He has reminded me the past 2 weeks in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship).
As I reflect on the goodness of God, one song keeps coming to mind:
Great Is Thy Faithfulness
| “Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father, There is no shadow of turning with Thee; Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be. "Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!" Morning by morning new mercies I see; All I have needed Thy hand hath provided- Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me! | |
| Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest, Sun, moon and stars in their courses above, Join with all nature in manifold witness, To thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth, Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide; Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! |
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