Depression and Anxiety. These two go together like peanut butter and jelly. When one starts surfacing the other isn't that far behind. Sometimes they are holding hands and entering together. Then they start feeding off each other and pulling you in a downward spiral that makes you believe it will never end. When they get you down in to that pit they start to then throw loneliness, disgust, feelings of failure, and sadness at you. They will make you think every negative thought you never imagined you could have. They will make you feel things that are lies; constantly battling reality and truth and forcing you to believe everything you know is a lie. Its draining. It sucks every emotion out of you and exhausts you mentally and physically. And because it happens often you start feeling like you can't talk about it anymore because then you start assuming you sound like a broken record. And when you start to feel like a broken record you start assuming the people you confide in are getting sick and tired of hearing the same thing from you. Its a vicious cycle, really.
But you can only keep it bottled in for so long. There are so many days you can keep it tamed and under control but then you realize you are about to have a bad day when one of your kids ask you why you look sad and if you're OK...3 days in a row. When it starts to physically show on your face and your precious child calls you out on it; you know you're in for a rough time. And you know its coming because of the thoughts you've been having. The thoughts of feeling like no matter what you do it will never be enough. Your house will never get cleaned, you'll never loose that dreaded pregnancy belly, you'll never be 100% caught up with laundry or dishes, you'll never look put together. The thought of there never being an end in sight. Then these thoughts bring up negative things that have been said to you that make you feel even worse; how horrible of a person you are for even having these type of thoughts, how horrible of a parent you are because you're obviously ungrateful for what you have, how horrible of a person you are because there are those unable to even have children and the life you're living. Another vicious cycle.
Then you start to think how better off your family would be without you. Surely there's someone else out there better at being a wife and mom. There's someone who could raise your kids better, show them love and patience better, someone who can love your husband better. Then you realize that's all you want; you want the absolute best for your family. Of course they'd be better off if you were to just pack all your belongings and leave. You're just a waste of space in their lives.
And then you cry. You cry because of the thoughts you're having. You cry because of the agonizing loneliness you're feeling when you're surrounded by people. You cry because of the constant exhaustion you have been feeling for the better part of a decade. You cry because of the constant feeling of failure, disappointment and hopelessness. You cry because you have nothing left in you but tears. You cry because you finally let go of all those thoughts and feelings. You cry because your soul is in agonizing desperation. You cry because you know you'll be doing this again.
But then I get out my Bible, turn on my specific music and I meditate; I use my cries and call out to Jesus. Sometimes all I can get out is simply asking for help. I don't list specifics because He knows. He knows exactly what it will take to pull me back up. He knows exactly what it will take to calm my heart, body, and soul. And I feel His presence. I feel His grace wrapping around me. I can feel Him reassuring me that I will make it through this. I feel Him telling me its OK to feel the feelings I have. I feel Him telling me its time to let go of those feelings. I feel Him reminding me He is bigger than any horrible, negative thought I will ever have.
And then I fully let go. I let out a big sigh. I go hug my children. I snuggle the babies. I fully appreciate the time with my husband. I feel my body relax. I feel grateful for the small circle of friends I have. I feel grateful for those few in my life that listen to me.
Depression and anxiety are real. They'll 100% kick your butt. Then you will 100% fight back. Because that's what we do.
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