Broken

Her Side:



I enjoy praise and worship music. I find it to be relaxing and, at times, exactly what I need to hear. But it doesn't usually bring me to tears. I don't feel that emotional movement, that emotional connection some feel when worshiping or, as I do, just listening to it. I don't feel its wrong or bad that I don't feel that. We all feel worship in different ways. We all worship, in general, in different way. We have our own connections with God. But today was different.



So, lets back track a little. Sunday evening was, honestly, the point of going downhill. Penelope started hyperventilating because Peter was staying home from church due to not eating his dinner. Now, usually she freaks out a little when we threaten to leave one of her siblings but we've never actually left any one of them. Its usually just one of those, "I'm ready to leave so I'm leaving with or without you" type of situations that usually works at motivating them to get a move on it. But for some reason she couldn't comprehend the fact that her father would be home with Peter. And I never said he was staying alone. But she escalated really bad when I started walking out the door with her siblings and asking her to get her shoes on, etc. Andy, bless his heart, was left having to deal with it and manage Peter while trying to get Nella to calm down and understand that he was staying. And she ended up staying home, obviously, because of her hysterical fit. He tried to bear hug her to help her but she was getting physically violent with him. Then, the realization kicked in that, in deed, we weren't lying to her and Andy really did stay home. And then she went to bed willingly because she exhausted herself.



And now we are at Monday. Its a federal holiday so Amie didn't have school. Which means I had the 4 with me. Nella received 4 weeks of free gymnastics/tumbling at the place she had her birthday party. Yesterday (Monday) was her first session. Its only an hour long but that hour was apparently one hour too long for Gordie. He had no listening abilities for me which led to me putting him in time out at the gym and then having to physically hold him and adjusting that hold so he wouldn't hit or kick me anymore, which was happening...on purpose. And, since it was a nice day, I planned ahead to try to make the most of the day and planned a picnic down by the river in St. Charles. That was horrific, as well, due to multiple children telling me no, flat out, in front of my own mother, Gordie still not having the ability to listen, and Penelope throwing a tantrum in the bathroom because it wasn't "normal." We headed home. Andy and I attempted a last minute movie date with passes we have had and that were about to expire. Who can pass up a free movie date? Friends of ours watched the kids and even fed them dinner for us (which wasn't really part of the deal but was much appreciated). I go to pick up the kids and Amie tells me no in her own way by refusing to listen to me and continually tell me she wanted to stay. Gordie was refusing to do what I asked him to do and then kept closing the van door on his siblings so they couldn't get in. He ended up with a spanking and standing in time out in the middle of the driveway, in the dark, while I got the other 3 in the van safely, and Nella, though she did control herself, was starting to escalate a little because she was afraid I was going to leave Gordie. But she allowed herself to actually listen to me and calmed down when I reassured her I wasn't going to leave him. 



Today. Tuesday. Our cat, Aladdin, had his monthly scheduled visit to the vet this morning. After getting clawed in the face, shoulders, arms, and legs, and quite possibly sprayed or peed on, I got him in his carrier. 3 kids and I took him inside where the bad behavior from the kids kept happening. And it has continued throughout the day.



So, my breaking point today was when I heard Aaron Shust's song No One Higher. One I've heard many times and have sung at church many times. But I was broken emotionally, physically, and mentally. And this was the first time in a long time a song has brought me to tears, if it has ever happened. I didn't even know I was at that point until I felt the tears streaming down my face. And I felt His peace. His great, comforting peace. And I knew that even if my day kept going in the direction it was very obviously headed, I wasn't in control. No situation is higher than God. And this specific song was used by God to break through me; to bring me Peace; to remind me of Grace. 



Most days I feel like a broken record of complaints, defeat, and not knowing what to do. Most days I feel like a failed parent, often questioning my own ability to raise my own children. But it is refreshing to get these amazing reminders, in whatever way I receive them, that God gives me grace every moment of every day. God is our prime example of how to parent our children, of how to love them and how to guide them. There is no one like our God. There is no one higher than Him.